by C.J. Mahaney
Recently, I spoke to a pastor walking through a prolonged and difficult season in his church. As he was informing me about the specifics, I had a mixture of emotions. I care deeply about this friend and pastor. And as he communicated his diverse challenges, I grieved with him and sought to counsel him wisely.
After listening thoroughly to his situation I communicated my care and sadness and then sought to draw his attention away from the immediate circumstances to evidences of God’s grace in his life and the church (which are easy to ignore or overlook in trials). Also, I drew attention to issues of his heart now being revealed by these circumstances so that he could apply the gospel to his heart.
But most importantly in that conversation, I attempted to strengthen my friend by reminding him of God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and grace. God is working through these difficulties to accomplish his good purposes. God is at work in the adversity to sanctify his heart. God is at work using the trials to draw my friend into a deeper relationship with himself
Rejoice in the Lord
And I drew my friend’s attention to one particular passage: Philippians 4:4—“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice” (ESV). There was nothing new or unique in what I said. I was only applying counsel I have learned from others and—by God’s grace—applied to my own soul.
I find this verse easy to ignore in the midst of adversity. But I must not ignore this verse or assume that this passage doesn’t apply to me. It does. God has given this verse to us for the good of our soul and, ultimately, for his glory.
A Digression
Permit me to put this story on pause in order to explain why I normally draw attention to just one verse when I have the privilege of caring for someone.
This approach of focusing on one specific passage in counseling settings is one I learned from my friend David Powlison, articulated in his article “Think Globally, Act Locally.” He writes,
In a nutshell, connect one bit of Scripture to one bit of life. In other words, always ask two questions for yourself and others: What is your current struggle? What about God in Christ connects to this? … Apply one relevant thing from our Redeemer to one significant scene in this person’s story. Bring one bit of Bible to one bit of life. You can’t say it all at once. (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall 2003, p. 3)
Well, you cannot and should not say it all at once, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying in the past! My impulse is to help others by downloading as much information as possible. But I’ve learned this is not wise and really unhelpful. Those we counsel can contemplate and apply a limited amount of information, so in caring for their souls—and especially in the immediate situation—I want to provide counsel they can easily consider and remember. And that’s where David’s wisdom proves so valuable.
In these situations, we must restrain the impulse to bury others under vast amounts of theological information.
Back to the Story
Now, back to my friend. I reminded him of Philippians 4:4 and passed along D.A. Carson’s comments on the verse from his book Basics for Believers: An Exposition of Philippians (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1996):
The ultimate ground of our rejoicing can never be our circumstances, even though we as Christians recognize that our circumstances are providentially arranged. If our joy derives primarily from our circumstances, then when our circumstances change, we will be miserable. Our delight must be in the Lord himself. That is what enables us to live with joy above our circumstances. As Nehemiah puts it, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh. 8:10). Perhaps that is one of the reasons why the Lord sometimes allows miserable circumstances to lash us—that we may learn this lesson.…Whatever the mysteries of evil and sorrow, they do have the salutary effect of helping believers to shift the ground of their joy from created things to the Creator, from the temporary to the eternal, from jingoism to Jesus, from consumption to God. (p. 106)
How about you? Are you personally experiencing a season of adversity with no end in sight? If so, rather than peering into the future trying to predict the concluding date of the trial, I recommend you look down and then up.
Look down and realize a transition is under way to shift the ground of your joy “from created things to the Creator.” Then look up and delight in the Lord himself. Contemplate his changeless character and the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Then—dependent upon God’s grace—obey this command given for our good and his glory. Rejoice as you realize afresh you are doing much better than you deserve.
This will not alter the severity of your trial, but it will transform your perspective and strengthen your soul for the trial.
Jul 27, 2010
God Incomprehensible
by Charles R. Swindoll
Job 38:1-40:4
Lost in the silent solitude of recent days, I have been impressed anew with the vast handiwork of our incomprehensible God. The psalmist was correct: The heavens do indeed tell of the glory of God . . . their expanse does indeed declare the work of His hands (Psalm 19:1).
At a time when one-upmanship and human intimidation have become an art form, it is delightful to be reminded anew that "Our God is in the heavens" and that "He does whatever He pleases" (Psalm 115:3).
Old Zophar was right on target when he asked:
"Can you discover the depths of God?
Can you discover the limits of the Almighty?
They are high as the heavens, what can you do?
Deeper than Sheol, what can you know?
Its measure is longer than the earth
And broader than the sea.
If He passes by or shuts up,
Or calls an assembly, who can restrain Him?" (Job 11:7-10)
We need that reminder, we who are tempted to think we're capable of calling the shots. We need to be brought down to size, we who feel we've got a corner on our own destiny.
Not only do we feel capable of declaring His overall plan for our own lives, we think we have the ability to discern each detail of His panoramic plan across the centuries. What a joke! We're doing well to "trust and obey" on a day-to-day basis.
Author Annie Dillard, in her prize-winning work Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, writes: "In making the thick darkness a swaddling band for the sea, God 'set bars and doors' and said, 'Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further.' But have we come even that far? Have we rowed out to the thick darkness, or are we all playing pinochle in the bottom of the boat?"
Such questions do what they're supposed to do: make us uncomfortable. But in our discomfort an essential change takes place. God becomes what and who He should be to us, namely God Incomprehensible.
We need to discipline ourselves to think on these things! We need to refocus our minds from the horizontal to the vertical. We need to rise above the nonsense of human viewpoint and tedious worries about non-eternal issues. We need to get on with thoughts that really matter.
It's time we got reacquainted with our Maker. It's time we got closer to His thick darkness. Sure beats playing pinochle in the bottom of the boat.
"Teach us to know that we cannot know, for the things of God knoweth no man. . . . Let faith support us where reason fails, and we shall think because we believe, not in order that we may believe" (A. W. Tozer).
Job 38:1-40:4
Lost in the silent solitude of recent days, I have been impressed anew with the vast handiwork of our incomprehensible God. The psalmist was correct: The heavens do indeed tell of the glory of God . . . their expanse does indeed declare the work of His hands (Psalm 19:1).
At a time when one-upmanship and human intimidation have become an art form, it is delightful to be reminded anew that "Our God is in the heavens" and that "He does whatever He pleases" (Psalm 115:3).
Old Zophar was right on target when he asked:
"Can you discover the depths of God?
Can you discover the limits of the Almighty?
They are high as the heavens, what can you do?
Deeper than Sheol, what can you know?
Its measure is longer than the earth
And broader than the sea.
If He passes by or shuts up,
Or calls an assembly, who can restrain Him?" (Job 11:7-10)
We need that reminder, we who are tempted to think we're capable of calling the shots. We need to be brought down to size, we who feel we've got a corner on our own destiny.
Not only do we feel capable of declaring His overall plan for our own lives, we think we have the ability to discern each detail of His panoramic plan across the centuries. What a joke! We're doing well to "trust and obey" on a day-to-day basis.
Author Annie Dillard, in her prize-winning work Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, writes: "In making the thick darkness a swaddling band for the sea, God 'set bars and doors' and said, 'Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further.' But have we come even that far? Have we rowed out to the thick darkness, or are we all playing pinochle in the bottom of the boat?"
Such questions do what they're supposed to do: make us uncomfortable. But in our discomfort an essential change takes place. God becomes what and who He should be to us, namely God Incomprehensible.
We need to discipline ourselves to think on these things! We need to refocus our minds from the horizontal to the vertical. We need to rise above the nonsense of human viewpoint and tedious worries about non-eternal issues. We need to get on with thoughts that really matter.
It's time we got reacquainted with our Maker. It's time we got closer to His thick darkness. Sure beats playing pinochle in the bottom of the boat.
"Teach us to know that we cannot know, for the things of God knoweth no man. . . . Let faith support us where reason fails, and we shall think because we believe, not in order that we may believe" (A. W. Tozer).
Jul 26, 2010
It was not human misery--but divine love!
(James Smith, "Streams in the Desert" 1849)
"You are to name Him 'Jesus'--because He will save His people from their sins!" Matthew 1:21
This verse teaches that Jesus came into the world having . . .
a definite people in His mind,
a definite work in His hand, and
a definite principle in His heart.
He had a definite PEOPLE in His mind!
They are simply called "His people." He had . . .
a special interest in them,
a special right to them, and
a special concern for them.
They were given to Him as a pledge of His Father's love--to be His associates, joy, and delight; His crown and glory. They were . . .
sunk in sin and wretchedness,
under the condemnation of the law,
the captives of the prince of darkness!
They were His sheep--but lost sheep!
They were His jewels--but jewels in a heap of rubbish!
They were His bride--but in a state of adultery!
He had . . .
the eye of His omniscience watching them,
the love of His heart pursuing them, and
the arm of His omnipotence protecting them.
His eye was upon them . . .
when in heaven in His Father's bosom,
and when enclosed in Mary's womb!
His eye ever was--and ever will be on them--from the beginning to the end of time--to save and to bring them safely to glory!
He had a definite WORK in His hand!
It was a work for His Father--and a work His people.
He had . . .
the law to fulfill,
justice to satisfy,
sin to remove,
heaven to open,
Satan to conquer,
death to destroy!
This work He proceeded to perform--until in triumph He exclaimed, "It is finished!"
He had a definite PRINCIPLE in His heart.
And what was that powerful principle, which brought Him . . .
from heaven--to earth,
from glory--into contempt,
from unutterable bliss--into inconceivable sorrow?
It was LOVE! Love,
the ruling attribute of His nature,
the prominent feature of His character,
the rule of His conduct towards His people!
It was love which . . .
eternally existed in His bosom,
fanned His heart, and
directed His ways!
It was . . .
eternal love,
immutable love,
omnipotent love,
unconquerable love,
unfathomable love!
It was this sacred principle which led Jesus into our world--and conducted Him through all the stages of His redemptive work!
His name then, is 'Jesus'--because He loves and saves all of His people!
Never think that it was merely human misery, or the doleful cries of suffering mortals--which brought Jesus to our world; for if these would move Him, assuredly He would empty Hell itself!
It was not human misery--but divine love!
It was not man's cries--but His own glory, which brought Jehovah Jesus into suffering circumstances and a miserable condition!
O the love! the depth of the love of Jesus!
"You are to name Him 'Jesus'--because He will save His people from their sins!" Matthew 1:21
This verse teaches that Jesus came into the world having . . .
a definite people in His mind,
a definite work in His hand, and
a definite principle in His heart.
He had a definite PEOPLE in His mind!
They are simply called "His people." He had . . .
a special interest in them,
a special right to them, and
a special concern for them.
They were given to Him as a pledge of His Father's love--to be His associates, joy, and delight; His crown and glory. They were . . .
sunk in sin and wretchedness,
under the condemnation of the law,
the captives of the prince of darkness!
They were His sheep--but lost sheep!
They were His jewels--but jewels in a heap of rubbish!
They were His bride--but in a state of adultery!
He had . . .
the eye of His omniscience watching them,
the love of His heart pursuing them, and
the arm of His omnipotence protecting them.
His eye was upon them . . .
when in heaven in His Father's bosom,
and when enclosed in Mary's womb!
His eye ever was--and ever will be on them--from the beginning to the end of time--to save and to bring them safely to glory!
He had a definite WORK in His hand!
It was a work for His Father--and a work His people.
He had . . .
the law to fulfill,
justice to satisfy,
sin to remove,
heaven to open,
Satan to conquer,
death to destroy!
This work He proceeded to perform--until in triumph He exclaimed, "It is finished!"
He had a definite PRINCIPLE in His heart.
And what was that powerful principle, which brought Him . . .
from heaven--to earth,
from glory--into contempt,
from unutterable bliss--into inconceivable sorrow?
It was LOVE! Love,
the ruling attribute of His nature,
the prominent feature of His character,
the rule of His conduct towards His people!
It was love which . . .
eternally existed in His bosom,
fanned His heart, and
directed His ways!
It was . . .
eternal love,
immutable love,
omnipotent love,
unconquerable love,
unfathomable love!
It was this sacred principle which led Jesus into our world--and conducted Him through all the stages of His redemptive work!
His name then, is 'Jesus'--because He loves and saves all of His people!
Never think that it was merely human misery, or the doleful cries of suffering mortals--which brought Jesus to our world; for if these would move Him, assuredly He would empty Hell itself!
It was not human misery--but divine love!
It was not man's cries--but His own glory, which brought Jehovah Jesus into suffering circumstances and a miserable condition!
O the love! the depth of the love of Jesus!
Jul 25, 2010
Jul 24, 2010
Jul 23, 2010
Fathers: The Original "Children’s Ministers"
By Steve Burchett
“What do you have for my children?”
As a pastor, I have been asked that question numerous times by well-meaning parents. Essentially, they want to know what ministries the church offers for children. Their desire for the spiritual good of their kids is commendable and some children’s programs are very useful. Sadly, though, too many parents are only looking for a ministry that will substitute for what they should be doing in their home. I eventually will look at the father and, as charitably as possible, ask, “What do you have for your children?"
I speak directly to the father because Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Even though the word for “fathers” could be translated “parents” (as in Hebrews 11:23), “fathers” seems to be the more appropriate translation since God’s design for the home is loving, sacrificial male leadership (cf. Ephesians 5:22-25). Paul meant no insult toward mothers, as is evidenced in his call for children to obey and honor their parents in Ephesians 6:1-2. But in a home where both the father and mother are Christians, the father is ultimately responsible for the spiritual upbringing of his children.
In a sermon on Ephesians 6:1-4, Pastor John Piper illustrates the father’s obligation to lead:
(I)f there is a problem with the children at the Piper household, and if Jesus knocks on the door, and Noel comes to the door, he is going to say, “Hello, Noel, is the man of the house home? We need to talk.” Not that Noel bears no responsibility, but I bear the leading responsibility in seeing that the children are brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.[1]
In Ephesians 6:4, Paul first tells dads what they must not have for their children: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” A child will sometimes get mad because his father calmly and reasonably restrained or punished him. Paul’s concern, though, is the overbearing father who causes his child to become embittered and hostile. This exasperated child is unnecessarily driven to frustration.
A father could do numerous things to instigate such anger. For example, he could demean his child with statements like, “You’re so stupid.” Or, a dad could repeatedly discipline for certain behavior without ever addressing the child’s sinful heart and need for Christ, consequently robbing the child of hope and enflaming resentment.
Even not laughing with children (who will say and do hilarious things) might incite anger. Beatrice Cleland, in her poem “Portrait of a Christian,” was writing about her pastor in the following stanzas, but these words are easily applied to the father/child relationship:
Not only by the words you say Not only in your deeds confessed But in the most unconscious way Is Christ expressed.
Was it a beatific smile, Or holy light upon your brow? Oh no, I felt His presence when You laughed just now.
Positively, what must fathers have for their children? “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” There is undoubtedly a sense in which fathers must “let kids be kids” (playing outside, telling knock-knock jokes, etc.), but they need to know what God requires of them. Boundaries are required to teach a child right and wrong, to show them their need of a Savior, and to help them to have a disciplined life.
Furthermore, fathers must instruct their kids. Most educate them on the mechanics of throwing a baseball, and some dads are even obsessed with teaching their boys how to make funny sounds with different parts of their bodies. How much more important is it to diligently teach children Scripture? Teachable moments occur regularly, and taking 10 or 15 minutes after supper to discuss something from the Bible is a simple strategy that might lead a boy or girl to Jesus. Is there really anything more important a dad could desire for his child?
So, fathers, what do you have for your children?
Jul 21, 2010
Decisions
By Jay Adams
In making a decision it is always wise to check out what the Bible says about the matter, Often, you will find a direct, specific command: “You shall not commit adultery.” There will be no doubt in your mind as to what God’s will is in the matter.
There are, however many decisions about which there is no biblical command. If you read that you are not to commit adultery and you happen to be involved in that very sin when you read the command, and are convicted, you may (should) want to stop immediately. Now comes another decision—how should you break off the sinful relationship?
About this latter decision there is no specific command.
Should you go personally to the other party and tell her/him your decision?
Send an email?
A letter?
Perhaps phone?
Possibly go together with your pastor to break the news?
How will you make this decision?
First, it is clear that you should use wisdom.
In all judgment calls, like this one, wisdom from the application of larger biblical principles must prevail.
But, perhaps, you don’t know what is the wisest thing to do.
What then?
Pray?
OK. That’s good.
What else?
Proverbs says that there safety in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 24:6). Speaking with an elder or two—or with your pastor—you may receive the help that you need. It may include warnings to avoid some courses of action, it may include principles having to do with exercising care in dealing with the other person. And, because peculiarities of your circumstances the solution may be one, in some another situation, it might be different. Wisdom, expediency and caution are biblically-commanded factors to consider as you seek to please God by your action.
In making a decision it is always wise to check out what the Bible says about the matter, Often, you will find a direct, specific command: “You shall not commit adultery.” There will be no doubt in your mind as to what God’s will is in the matter.
There are, however many decisions about which there is no biblical command. If you read that you are not to commit adultery and you happen to be involved in that very sin when you read the command, and are convicted, you may (should) want to stop immediately. Now comes another decision—how should you break off the sinful relationship?
About this latter decision there is no specific command.
Should you go personally to the other party and tell her/him your decision?
Send an email?
A letter?
Perhaps phone?
Possibly go together with your pastor to break the news?
How will you make this decision?
First, it is clear that you should use wisdom.
In all judgment calls, like this one, wisdom from the application of larger biblical principles must prevail.
But, perhaps, you don’t know what is the wisest thing to do.
What then?
Pray?
OK. That’s good.
What else?
Proverbs says that there safety in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14, Proverbs 15:22, Proverbs 24:6). Speaking with an elder or two—or with your pastor—you may receive the help that you need. It may include warnings to avoid some courses of action, it may include principles having to do with exercising care in dealing with the other person. And, because peculiarities of your circumstances the solution may be one, in some another situation, it might be different. Wisdom, expediency and caution are biblically-commanded factors to consider as you seek to please God by your action.
Jul 19, 2010
12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child
Pray for me and my children.
from DESIRING GOD
Abraham Piper
My son Abraham, who speaks from the wisdom of experience and Scripture, has written the article that follows. I read it with tears and laughter. It is so compelling that I asked him immediately if I could share it with the church and the wider Christian community. There is no greater joy than to see your children walking in the truth--and expressing it so well. The rest is Abraham's untouched. -John Piper
Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I've never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.
1. Point them to Christ.
Your rebellious child's real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don't see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them--and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions--is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.
2. Pray.
Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can't resist worshiping him for.
3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
If your daughter rejects Jesus, don't pretend everything is fine.
For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don't ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won't be.
4. Don't expect them to be Christ-like.
If your son is not a Christian, he's not going to act like one.
You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don't expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, "I know you're struggling with believing in Jesus, but can't you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?"
If he's struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem--not partying. No matter how your child's unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart's sickness than its symptoms.
5. Welcome them home.
Because the deepest concern is not your child's actions, but his heart, don't create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: "Don't come to this house if you are..." But these will be rare. Don't lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.
If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she's pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you've been forgiven, don't give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn't been around for a week and a half because he's been staying at his girlfriend's--or boyfriend's--apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.
6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.
Be gentle in your disappointment.
What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she's breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows--especially if she was raised as a Christian--that what she's doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn't need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.
Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.
7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.
There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son.
This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it's worth it--especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can't.
Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.
This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son--in a way he may actually pay attention to--that he's being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it's a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.
A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they're being fools--and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents--so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.
8. Respect their friends.
Honor your wayward child in the same way you'd honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you'd never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child's friends. Respect that--even if the relationship is founded on sin. They're bad for your son, yes. But he's bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don't like who he's hanging around with.
When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend--one you've never seen before and probably won't see again--be hospitable. She's also someone's wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.
9. Email them.
Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids' lives so easily!
When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ's joy in your own life.
Don't stress out when you're composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child's inbox. God's word is never proclaimed in vain.
10. Take them to lunch.
If possible, don't let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it's far worse to be in the child's shoes--he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.
It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don't know how he'll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you're an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don't know until you risk asking.
(Here's a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won't feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father's invitation--even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)
11. Take an interest in their pursuits.
Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she's twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?
Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn't even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter's CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus' glory instead her own.
12. Point them to Christ.
This can't be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn't to help them know Jesus.
Jesus.
It's not so that they will be good kids again; it's not so that they'll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it's not so that they'll like classical music instead of deathcore; it's not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it's not so that they'll vote conservative again by the next election; it's not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they're not going to hell.
The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.
And not only is he the only point--he's the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the orgasm that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself--captive, but satisfied.
He will do this for many. Be faithful and don't give up.
from DESIRING GOD
Abraham Piper
My son Abraham, who speaks from the wisdom of experience and Scripture, has written the article that follows. I read it with tears and laughter. It is so compelling that I asked him immediately if I could share it with the church and the wider Christian community. There is no greater joy than to see your children walking in the truth--and expressing it so well. The rest is Abraham's untouched. -John Piper
Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I've never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.
1. Point them to Christ.
Your rebellious child's real problem is not drugs or sex or cigarettes or pornography or laziness or crime or cussing or slovenliness or homosexuality or being in a punk rock band. The real problem is that they don't see Jesus clearly. The best thing you can do for them--and the only reason to do any of the following suggestions--is to show them Christ. It is not a simple or immediate process, but the sins in their life that distress you and destroy them will only begin to fade away when they see Jesus more like he actually is.
2. Pray.
Only God can save your son or daughter, so keep on asking that he will display himself to them in a way they can't resist worshiping him for.
3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
If your daughter rejects Jesus, don't pretend everything is fine.
For every unbelieving child, the details will be different. Each one will require parents to reach out in unique ways. Never acceptable, however, is not reaching out at all. If your child is an unbeliever, don't ignore it. Holidays might be easier, but eternity won't be.
4. Don't expect them to be Christ-like.
If your son is not a Christian, he's not going to act like one.
You know that he has forsaken the faith, so don't expect him to live by the standards you raised him with. For example, you might be tempted to say, "I know you're struggling with believing in Jesus, but can't you at least admit that getting wasted every day is sin?"
If he's struggling to believe in Jesus, then there is very little significance in admitting that drunkenness is wrong. You want to protect him, yes. But his unbelief is the most dangerous problem--not partying. No matter how your child's unbelief exemplifies itself in his behavior, always be sure to focus more on the heart's sickness than its symptoms.
5. Welcome them home.
Because the deepest concern is not your child's actions, but his heart, don't create too many requirements for coming home. If he has any inkling to be with you, it is God giving you a chance to love him back to Jesus. Obviously there are some instances in which parents must give ultimatums: "Don't come to this house if you are..." But these will be rare. Don't lessen the likelihood of an opportunity to be with your child by too many rules.
If your daughter smells like weed or an ashtray, spray her jacket with Febreze and change the sheets when she leaves, but let her come home. If you find out she's pregnant, then buy her folic acid, take her to her twenty-week ultrasound, protect her from Planned Parenthood, and by all means let her come home. If your son is broke because he spent all the money you lent him on loose women and ritzy liquor, then forgive his debt as you've been forgiven, don't give him any more money, and let him come home. If he hasn't been around for a week and a half because he's been staying at his girlfriend's--or boyfriend's--apartment, plead with him not to go back, and let him come home.
6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.
Be gentle in your disappointment.
What really concerns you is that your child is destroying herself, not that she's breaking rules. Treat her in a way that makes this clear. She probably knows--especially if she was raised as a Christian--that what she's doing is wrong. And she definitely knows you think it is. So she doesn't need this pointed out. She needs to see how you are going to react to her evil. Your gentle forbearance and sorrowful hope will show her that you really do trust Jesus.
Her conscience can condemn her by itself. Parents ought to stand kindly and firmly, always living in the hope that they want their child to return to.
7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.
There are two kinds of access that you may not have to your child: geographical and relational. If your wayward son lives far away, try to find a solid believer in his area and ask him to contact your son.
This may seem nosy or stupid or embarrassing to him, but it's worth it--especially if the believer you find can also relate to your son emotionally in a way you can't.
Relational distance will also be a side effect of your child leaving the faith, so your relationship will be tenuous and should be protected if at all possible. But hard rebuke is still necessary.
This is where another believer who has emotional access to your son may be very helpful. If there is a believer who your son trusts and perhaps even enjoys being around, then that believer has a platform to tell your son--in a way he may actually pay attention to--that he's being an idiot. This may sound harsh, but it's a news flash we all need from time to time, and people we trust are usually the only ones who can package a painful rebuke so that it is a gift to us.
A lot of rebellious kids would do well to hear that they're being fools--and it is rare that this can helpfully be pointed out by their parents--so try to keep other Christians in your kids lives.
8. Respect their friends.
Honor your wayward child in the same way you'd honor any other unbeliever. They may run with crowds you'd never consider talking to or even looking at, but they are your child's friends. Respect that--even if the relationship is founded on sin. They're bad for your son, yes. But he's bad for them, too. Nothing will be solved by making it perfectly evident that you don't like who he's hanging around with.
When your son shows up for a family birthday celebration with another girlfriend--one you've never seen before and probably won't see again--be hospitable. She's also someone's wayward child, and she needs Jesus, too.
9. Email them.
Praise God for technology that lets you stay in your kids' lives so easily!
When you read something in the Bible that encourages you and helps you love Jesus more, write it up in a couple lines and send it to your child. The best exhortation for them is positive examples of Christ's joy in your own life.
Don't stress out when you're composing these as if each one needs to be singularly powerful. Just whip them out one after another, and let the cumulative effect of your satisfaction in God gather up in your child's inbox. God's word is never proclaimed in vain.
10. Take them to lunch.
If possible, don't let your only interaction with your child be electronic. Get together with him face to face if you can. You may think this is stressful and uncomfortable, but trust me that it's far worse to be in the child's shoes--he is experiencing all the same discomfort, but compounded by guilt. So if he is willing to get together with you for lunch, praise God, and use the opportunity.
It will feel almost hypocritical to talk about his daily life, since what you really care about is his eternal life, but try to anyway. He needs to know you care about all of him. Then, before lunch is over, pray that the Lord will give you the gumption to ask about his soul. You don't know how he'll respond. Will he roll his eyes like you're an idiot? Will he get mad and leave? Or has God been working in him since you talked last? You don't know until you risk asking.
(Here's a note to parents of younger children: Set up regular times to go out to eat with your kids. Not only will this be valuable for its own sake, but also, if they ever enter a season of rebellion, the tradition of meeting with them will already be in place and it won't feel weird to ask them out to lunch. If a son has been eating out on Saturdays with his dad since he was a tot, it will be much harder for him later in life to say no to his father's invitation--even as a surly nineteen-year-old.)
11. Take an interest in their pursuits.
Odds are that if your daughter is purposefully rejecting Christ, then the way she spends her time will probably disappoint you. Nevertheless, find the value in her interests, if possible, and encourage her. You went to her school plays and soccer games when she was ten; what can you do now that she's twenty to show that you still really care about her interests?
Jesus spent time with tax collectors and prostitutes, and he wasn't even related to them. Imitate Christ by being the kind of parent who will put some earplugs in your pocket and head downtown to that dank little nightclub where your daughter's CD release show is. Encourage her and never stop praying that she will begin to use her gifts for Jesus' glory instead her own.
12. Point them to Christ.
This can't be over-stressed. It is the whole point. No strategy for reaching your son or daughter will have any lasting effect if the underlying goal isn't to help them know Jesus.
Jesus.
It's not so that they will be good kids again; it's not so that they'll get their hair cut and start taking showers; it's not so that they'll like classical music instead of deathcore; it's not so that you can stop being embarrassed at your weekly Bible study; it's not so that they'll vote conservative again by the next election; it's not even so that you can sleep at night, knowing they're not going to hell.
The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, email them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Christ.
And not only is he the only point--he's the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He will replace the pathetic vanity of the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the orgasm that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only his grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to himself--captive, but satisfied.
He will do this for many. Be faithful and don't give up.
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